Peace Please
Every once in a while something blind sides you and rocks you to your core. This usually happens only once in a long while. But this year, its been one after another after another for me. This year, I have had so many things taken away from me. I'm not talking about poor planning on my part or a misuse of time and energy. I'm talking about the universe sweeping its big impartial hand across my table and snatching up the silverware, and then the plates, and then the glasses until I'm left sitting at an empty table. Many people, dear to me, are dead. Many people, dear to me, are dying. Many people, dear to me, have removed themselves from my messy life because it's hard to be with a person in turmoil.
I understand all of this as part of life's growth patterns - all rings in the tree trunk. But my old and practiced ways of moving through the world, and surviving it's blows, seem suddenly inadequate and even dated. My stomach is in knots. My tears are spent. And even those in close proximity to me are questioning my motives and my methods. This has been happening all year long. While I'm not hopeless, certainly, I am cautious. Caution - not usually something I employ. I feel shamed for allowing myself to be emotional and obvious. And I feel stupid for trying to share my life. I don't know what to do anymore except stand in one place, mind my children and make a peaceful nest.
I understand all of this as part of life's growth patterns - all rings in the tree trunk. But my old and practiced ways of moving through the world, and surviving it's blows, seem suddenly inadequate and even dated. My stomach is in knots. My tears are spent. And even those in close proximity to me are questioning my motives and my methods. This has been happening all year long. While I'm not hopeless, certainly, I am cautious. Caution - not usually something I employ. I feel shamed for allowing myself to be emotional and obvious. And I feel stupid for trying to share my life. I don't know what to do anymore except stand in one place, mind my children and make a peaceful nest.
I'm ready for this year of hurting to end.
